ABOUT ME I am a pleasant person, often found tutoring government employees on more efficient ways to be less efficient. Between noon and one on Tuesdays, I waive the right to remain silent. I always swim on a full stomach.
I put my pants on one leg at a time, but I prefer to jump into my shorts. For the past eight years, I have been allergic to people who are allergic to peanuts. I leap toy buildings in a single bound.
I was kidnapped once, but thwarted my captors using nothing but a handful of cashews and the wrapper from a pack of Pall Malls. On several occasions, I have scaled the highest peak in the District of Columbia without the aid of supplemental oxygen. Pets love me.
I can read music, but only do so on long plane rides. Twelve years ago, I was kicked out of a televangelical church in Texas, being told I looked too smart. I only run when holding scissors.
I was drafted by the Yankees out of high school, but fled to Canada to dodge a lucrative contract. In college, I penned an award-winning epic poem detailing the proper way to make toast - I'm now working on the sequel. I have never gotten out of the kitchen because of the heat.
I'm Pro-Choice, but Anti-Diarrheal. As a young man, I played with the New York Philharmonic - they're not very good at Duck Duck Goose. I always procrastinate on time.
I find it hard being a perfectionist because I'm a perfectionist. At inopportune times, I over enunciate, but I always lisp when convenient. I only whistle while I'm unemployed.
I dance to my own drummer - his name is Neil. I've never hit anyone, but I think about it a lot. Nearly 2 people have deemed me remarkable.
(This ever-evolving piece is mildly inspired by Hugh Gallagher, even though I wrote my original college application essay first. Deal with that, Hugh.)
CONTACT ME
mail_photography
560-765-7658
REVIEWS Some reviews of my act:
"A wry and witty storyteller... sarcastic, sardonic and, at times, acerbic and cynical. Hilarious." ~ a good friend of Kevin
"What can I say about Kevin? He is, at once, a master of repartee and the king of l'esprit de l'escalier." ~ a lesser friend of Kevin
"Awful." ~ countless audience members
"Not as family-friendly as advertised." ~ Kevin's mother
"He'll never be able to buy a house." ~ various club owners
"It's always a pleasure working with Kevin. He has a way of making every other comic in the room look good in comparison." ~ numerous comics
"Thank goodness they serve alcohol at these things." ~ pretty much everyone
"That dude could not be less funny. Smashing watermelons... now that's how you do comedy." ~ unidentified man wearing a Billy Ray Cyrus t-shirt
"Kevin is not the best performer, but he's a brilliant writer of material. His jokes always kill when I do them." ~ Dane Cook
"Kevin is not the best performer, but he's a brilliant writer of material. His jokes always kill when I do them." ~ Carlos Mencia (after hearing Dane Cook's comment)
CONTACT ME
mail_photography
560-765-7658
CONTACT Questions? Comments? Anyone? Bueller?
Send me an email at kevin_kevingarbee.com
You can also follow me on Twitter .
It's unwholesome fun for the entire family.
And while you're at it, be my Facebook friend.
I'm a great virtual friend.
CONTACT ME
mail_photography
560-765-7658
